Playing Safe

So first of all I’ve realised that its really hard to think of something to write if I’m in a positive mood. I don’t know what it is, its just a lot easier to write when I have something to complain about or some emotional turmoil :/

Speaking of emotional turmoil! I’ve recently been reflecting over my life and I have come to the conclusion that I play way to safe.

To bring you up to speed, I’ve started my second year of university and its great. This year so far has already been better than the entirety of last year! I’ve made a bunch of new friends, I have joined a society and I love my course, but even with all of this I still feel like somethings missing.

I remember when I was younger and I never had any regrets, I did whatever I wanted when I wanted and life felt a lot easier and happier. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my life at the moment. I have the most amazing boyfriend (nearly one year together by the way 😀 ) , I have great friends, I go to a great university, and I have a loving family….but still…

One thing in particular that stops me from completely doing whatever I want is the opinion of my parents. I love my parents, but I’m not gunna lie they’re kinda old fashioned at times. I am also very different from the rest of my family sometimes. For example when I was a teenager I decided that I liked wearing black, and skinny jeans, and dark make-up, and my mum assumed that I was becoming a goth -.- come on mum, I was just wearing a certain colour, my personality hadn’t changed, I was still the fluffy bunny geek, just the fluffy bunny geek who wears black!

The other thing is work. I actually haven’t got work at this point but I really want a job, and the things that I want to do are typically shunned by companies. Therefore I don’t know whether to do these things in fear that I get rejected further. However then I think about it further and I know that if these things prevent me from getting a job, then that company doesn’t deserve me. These things don’t stop me from being a great human being or an amazing worker, yet they would never know that, still is it worth the risk? Not just for now, but for the future?

So what is this about then? Basically I feel like I’m playing too safe in life. I still follow the best piece of advice I’ve ever received which is: do whatever makes you happy, but this is different. See though the things I have in mind would probably undoubtedly make me happy, I know that other people will have opinions on it, and not positive ones either, and its this judgment that is stopping me from doing it.

So let me go through what is bothering me the most. Its nothing about how I spend my time, I love spending time in my room doing my own thing and I also love spending time with my friends going out places, its about expressing myself.  There are two things that have been pondering my mind recently, 1 dying my hair and 2 getting a tattoo.

Now I am still pretty sure I am going to dye my hair, but over time even that has died down. I wanted to dye my hair baby pink, or pastel blue and purple and now I’m just going to highlight my hair a slightly lighter brown…is that how to live life? Should I just do whatever I want no matter what the opinion be, or should I try to achieve the best of both worlds by doing what I want but still achieving the approval of others? I know my parents would think I’m crazy but they’d get over it like they did when I first decided to cut my hair short. But now I have to think of more than just them. For once I don’t have to worry about the opinion of school as university doesn’t care what you look like, unlike secondary school which wouldn’t have allowed it. The other thing I have to think about is obviously jobs like I mentioned, it is known that companies are more likely to have a negative opinion on you if you have unnatural coloured hair than if you had natural hair. Finally, I have a boyfriend and I want him to think I’m good looking naturally. Actually I’ve spoken to him about this before and he said I’d look cute with pastel hair, but even I know he find brunettes attractive so then what? To be honest, I am probably going to highlight my hair a caramel colour, because it means I get to dye my hair like I want, my parents approve, jobs approve, and my boyfriend still thinks I look good. Still makes me wonder what would have happened if I had dyed my hair the colour I wanted originally, would I have been happier? Would I have less to regret later on in life? Who knows, I may still dye it pastel coloured, just not yet, some time in the future when I’m still in the stages of education and I don’t have any serious commitments. We’ll have to wait and see hey haha :p

The other thing is getting a tattoo. I was out with my friends the other night and I looked out the window to see a tattoo parlour and I just sat there wondering what it would be like to be completely spontaneous and to just get a tattoo right there and then. I would never do it so spontaneously because that’s not the type of person I am, I like to plan and organise things before I do them, especially if they’re this serious. A lot of people wouldn’t view it as that serious, but to be fair it is something that would be on my skin for the rest of my life so I’d have to consider it carefully. If I were to get a tattoo, it would be somewhere where I can see it everyday, if I’m going to have a picture inked onto my skin for the rest of my life I want to be able to view it everyday! Literally don’t understand people who get tattoos on their back or something, when are you going to see that? Don’t understand the point haha XD anyways, I’d also want it to be small, I don’t want anything massive, I’d just have a tiny symbol probably somewhere on my hand. Obviously it would have meaning to it, but it wouldn’t be anything original. Now my parents aren’t into tattoos really at all, they just don’t think there is a point in them, they argue that there is no reason to have a random picture in your skin for your entire life that you’d probably regret when you’re 90. A lot of you might be thinking “why are you so worried about your parents opinion?” well its because I have to live with them, so if they have an opinion on something they’ll let you know and never let it go, which makes life worse for me. Also if they disapprove it’ll naturally make me feel guilty no matter how much I like it, and I’ll have no one in my house hold reassuring me that it was a good choice and that they like it too. Moving onto companies, jobs judge you so hard if you have a tattoo, even if its a small one they’re afraid that you’re going to intimidate Mrs Norris from down the road and that they’ll lose customers because you have a picture on your skin. I’m not gunna lie I agree to an extent because some tattoos are quite antisocial in the sense that they’re naturally scary and intimidating in nature, but a tiny tattoo of an arrow or something isn’t going to hurt anyone. Finally my boy, now again I have spoken to my boyfriend about this in the past and his opinion as far as I’m aware is that he would never get one, and he wouldn’t mind if a girl had one as long as it wasn’t completely horrific, but even then does that mean he’s be happy with me getting a tattoo? Even a tiny one? Would be think differently about me? Probably not knowing him, but I couldn’t image living the rest of my life with him thinking “I’m glad you like it because that’s what matters the most, but personally I don’t like it”  I’d hate it if that happened :/ So where do I go from here? I have no idea with this one, this is a bit more permanent and expensive than hair dye, but still at this current moment in time I’d love to get one, and living for now should be the most important thing…I don’t know…I’ll have to think about it…

So that’s what’s happening in my life at the moment, emotional turmoil over hair dye and tattoos…super first world problems haha and probably very trivial problems that everyone else wouldn’t be thinking so much about haha oh well if I didn’t think about things this much then it wouldn’t be me, so I guess overall its a good thing that I’m going through emotional turmoil 🙂

I may write a response to this post depending on what I do, especially on the tattoo front, but we’ll have to wait and see. I think I’ve decided as well to not write unless I want to. I felt a lot of pressure within myself to write often because I felt like I was neglecting this blog, but I started this blog to be a personal diary, a way to express my thoughts and for my own personal progress, so I’ll only write if I feel like I have something worth writing about 🙂

I hope you’re all ok and I’ll speak to you soon 🙂

Alice x

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